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December - A Future To Retrospect [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
It took years to make this naturalistic

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December [Dec. 8th, 2006|02:26 pm]
It took years to make this naturalistic
Realization is kind of an ever changing visual. I mean it's completely self reliant and yours to own or alter, shift or create. It can be negative, positive or a neutral color. I feel like I've 'realized' several things about myself. I am ambitious, but only when momentum swings my way. If I am not cornered or called upon aggressively I take a stoic approach. However that may be, when someone or something spars with me, I am lively and tenacious. I take charge and command a situation, and if need be, others by not only implementing an array of verbal tactics but a quickness in action that is generally unparallel. I am confident and potentially awing when I need to be. When I need to be is not as much as my character calls for though. I am content mulling around tactlessly until I feel excited about an event or conflict. If no event or conflict sets off the motion, I am quiet or deterred from how I am best; vocal and spontaneous.
I regard my personality as basic if not provoked. I am generally low key, if not low brow, and talk with mild wit or concept of wit. I am somewhat of a talker, but only if conversing strikes me as interesting or moderately engaging. It's not so much what the person says that would make me interested or engaged, but how I feel at the moment, and mostly that moment is indifferent. I can be riveting during a social get together, or perfectly calm. It's particularly unfortunate I cannot take control of either mood. I think deep down I am selfish in my stance toward any type of conversation (this is not an anomaly, considering most people are) but more so than called for I fear.
Part two of my revelation deals directly with my sentimentality/emotional behavior. It is said that I overreact often with little regard to logic. This is probably true, only because I don't fight when I am labeled this. I wish I could control my worrisome attitude or explicit need to want to help people or show love. This is not to say any of the said actions are terribly or disgraceful, but they should be shown in moderation not quantity. The problem lies in my inability to try; I let my heart decide what I say, I don't put forth an effort to minimize anything. Someone may say that trait is annoying, tedious or impractical. Someone may also say that same trait is none of those things except one; vulnerable.
I am a good person but my mental aptitude is questionable. I hope for many things religiously, I mostly hope that I am a good boyfriend, or at very least or very most, a good friend. I wonder about both and try to weigh them accurately in what I may be doing wrong or right. This, as most know, is better left to those around you to know and say. It is unfair to strain yourself over miniscule things so entirely subjective it makes no difference.
I would like to imagine I could lie dormant for several days. I think I overwork myself in degrees unfit for most; in ways physically and mentally. I am much too hard on myself when most people could care in fractions less. At times I feel like I need a break from myself, a break to toil about something much more important than what I'm doing wrong while being me.